My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
