I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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