why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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