Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
