I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
