Capitaan dildo arrescate!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
