i wish my penis had a tongue
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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