We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
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He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
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If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
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