I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
