I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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