She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
