If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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