Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
