I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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