I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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