Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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