If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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