M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
