Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
