I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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