He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
How external is "for external use only"?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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