So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
