her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
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You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize