I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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