What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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