So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
