worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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