I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
