hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
