If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She's the barista slut.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
