When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
