she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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