He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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