Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize