Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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