I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
where are my eyebrows?
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