Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
