Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
