Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
