Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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