Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
