So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
