OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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