He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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