Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
