I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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