Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
