we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
