My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
it's great music for shaving your balls
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
