3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
