I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
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My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
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he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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