He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
pray to the hookup gods
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
