the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
